Something · or · other...

Something about my life as of late had me go through my entries from the passed year.
Ironically, I came across this one.

I find it strange that I read that passage a few weeks ago only to read it now with a completely different connotation to it than that time.
Perhaps it's right.
Maybe it's wrong.
Could it just be the new 'romantic' view of Love and just excusing the hardships we have to endure for it?
All I know is... I hate that little Cherub.
I'm a fucking Satyr for Christ's sake.... why in the Hell can I not push the little fucker out of my way?

On another note.....
The other day, my little sister informed me that she came across my senior yearbook and my senior directory profile.  She had to point out the mushy things I had written about my girlfriend of the time, Karrie.  How I was saying, "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm so happy to have you. BLAH BLAH BLAH!!"  I could sicken myself.
The only thing I took from that statement was the memory that I had written in the "future plans" that I would write a book called "How to Get Out of Compromising Situations With Women" - or something to that effect.  Strange, really.... I should probably hold off writing said book until I can figure out how to A) Stop getting myself into these compromising situations and/or B) get the fuck out of them without fucking up lives.
God certainly does have a taste for cruel ironies.... as well as a cruel sense of humour.

....um..... I'm pretty certain that I'm going to lose the Fredonia Idol competition, because there's a girl that has a facebook group dedicated to her winning Fredonia Idol.

yeah.... and a majority of the people in it are friends of mine.... this does not bode well for my chances of victory.
>_< 

Hush now baby don't you cry
Rest your wings my butterfly
Peace will come to you in time
And I will sing this lullaby

No though I must leave, my child
But I would stay here by your side
And if you wake before I'm gone
Remember this sweet lullaby

And all love through darkness
Don't you ever stop believing
With love forlorn
With love you'll find your way
My love

The world has turned the day to dark
I leave this night with heavy heart
When I return to dry your eyes
I will send this lullaby

Yes I will send this lullaby

~ "Lullaby" Josh Groban  feat. Ladysmith Black Mambazo

I just saw a commercial for Whiskas cat food.
The cat eats the food and then is transported into another dimension.
Does this mean they put shrooms in the cat food?
If so, that's fucking awful.

I like my job for two reasons:
1) I get paid.  I get immediate money that I can use to pay off debts to places that need my money.  I can't complain about getting money.
2) It is so busy, it keeps me from thinking and being logical about the world.  When I'm not logical, I'm a hopeless romantic.  That's usually the concept of being a hopeless romantic... being illogical.  I mean, if you were logical about love, you couldn't have a sense of belief that a hopeless romantic has.  Hopeless romantics have faith in hopeless situations, ergo 'hopeless romantic'.  That's almost unfortunate at the same time.
I consider myself a hopeless romantic.
I see the hope in a failing situation, because I believe that if I love hard enough it'll come to work.  I believe that love is enough, because if you love then it can work.
That's usually what's worked for the first part of my past relationships.  Love is enough.  It's beautiful and wonderful and nothing can go wrong.  The sweeping off of the feet happens and everything is under the illusion of perfection.
Then things start to change and the romanticism is over done and seen as naive.  I'm then told that I need to be sensible and logical about relationships.
Then I'm no longer hopelessly romantic.  You can't be hopelessly romantic and be logical.  It just isn't possible.  Yes, you can be in love and love someone while being logical, but you cannot love, be hopelessly romantic and be logical all at once.
Then you start to be logical.  You think about what's going to make the relationships work.  Things start to work better.  You balance your time.  You learn to finance to go out and such.  You make plans that work.  It's working better than you could possibly imagine.
Then it happens.  Then someone realizes the beauty is gone.  The hopeless romanticism is no longer there and it's evident.  There's nothing left.
It's over.
Why don't you ever read that in a romance novel?
Why doesn't Hollywood ever show this side of reality?
Why do we crave for something that we'll never have?
You watch a romance movie.  Boy meets girl.  Girl meets boy.  Boy and girl fall for each other and a beautiful romance blossoms.  It's the kind of romance that only celluloid has the power to produce.  It's perfect and romantic.  Then, suddenly, there's a flaw.  Something happens and the romance hits a snag.  Suddenly, the star-crossed lovers are forced from each other.  The Dashboard Confessional plays as voiceless walking clips of the separated lovers fly by on the screen.  Yet, something happens, when all hope is lost and the climax leaves us with the thought that there's nothing left for them comes..... the resolution.  The lovers come to an agreement and find their love again.  The love reaches a new peak as being away makes the lovers realize how much they are meant to be together.  It's the perfect ending.  It's romantic.  It's beautiful.  It leaves us with a high and a hope that we could have that, too.  We love Hollywood for it.
It's a grand illusion.
We never want to see anything that could remind us of what flawed creatures we are.  We only want to see beauty and perfection on the silver screen or in the pages of our books.  It's a nice distraction to what we really are... imperfect.  Yet, we yearn for that perfection that we've read about in books and seen on the silver screen.
It's strange.
It's bizarre.
It's funny to think about what Mark Twain said. "The difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."  We need to support fiction, but never reality.  Fiction needs to be more real than what actually is?  Funny to think that we are more protective of our fantasies than we are of what we actually live.

What's even more funny.... I'll defend to the death that movie romance can still be real in this world.  We just have to believe in it hard enough.
I'm tragically romantic.
If not hopelessly...


P.S. Weddings are beautiful.

Well, ladies and germs, I'm leaving for camp in about 5 hours.  Yeah, 5a start time for the trip to Glen Spey.  This might be a good time for me.  I'm around nobody that I know and the only connection that I'll have to the life I'm used to is the phone and the stamps that I'm taking with me.  I probably won't get a chance to get off campus, either (Allie, I still will try my best to figure something out for your birthday, I did promise you, I intend to keep that promise).
I'm scared and excited about this chance.  I'm afraid that I'll either kill a kid and get fired or just kill myself, or actually do well.  I'm hoping for the latter-most.
After the camp ends, I might be going off to NYC for American Idol auditions.  I mean, I might as well, since I'll be relatively closer to the city by the time the auditions happen.  Who knows... that shot in the fucking dark might actually work..... *doubts himself highly*

I'll catch you all in the late August time.
Love y'all.
Miss you, too.

Sequentially yours,
Colin

What? You mean to tell me that I have an LJ still?
I guess I might be growing out of it.... then again, I've said that before.
Speaking of "I've said that before", my father tried to convince me that I had false feelings for Steph. WTF?!
"So, are you just with Steph while you wait for someone else? That would be horrible." No shit, Sherlock. I hate when he does that. I find something that makes me happy and he's gonna shit on it, especially when he does it when I'm having a very serious conversation with him.
I never seem to have those conversations with him, but I felt telling him things about the passed few months was necessary. Guess that was a mistake. "I'm concerned about why you don't feel the ability to come to me with your problems." Because you're a fucking ass that doesn't listen, you give an opinion when it's not valid or asked for. kthanxbi
I told him about the counseling and all that crap. He debunked that.
I told him about how I'm a teen advisor on the SCN. He said I shouldn't be doing that because I'm not trained. Go to Hell.
I hate being home. It's not even home. There's nothing here that makes it home, save for my good friends.
I head for an escape in Europe for the next two and a half weeks. I love the fact that I enjoy all the people there. They're good people and they all get along great. It'll be a nice escape. Yet, when I come back it'll be to this shithole. I wish that I could get one of those camp jobs near Steph. It'd make life a hell of a lot easier.
Speaking of camps, I might be working in the Catskills (Glen Spey). That'll be fun and great thing on my resume. w00t. The only downfall is that the likelihood of seeing Steph again before the Fall is going to be slim to none.
Wanna know what, though? That's not a problem. I don't have to worry about Steph going, "I'm really upset that you can't come to see me. I feel like this is going to be a problem." I don't hear that. She and I trust the other's feelings and such. We just need to know how the other feels. There's no necessity to see each other. The emotions are there. That's enough. If only more people saw it that way. I love that she's not needy.
Speaking of need, I need to get back to packing. Bye.

Well, Pippin has finished. It was a long two months but an experience that I am truly grateful for. I met some incredible people. It has made me love the theatre arts that much more. I'm going to miss it insanely.

Speaking of missing things.... I'm going to miss Steph a great deal over the upcoming 3 months. She's going to be away in Ohio all summer, working out her contract for a theatre company (I'm so proud of her). I'm going to do what I can to go out and see her and one of the shows that she's doing. It'll mean a great deal to us both.

Last night was... indescribable. We walked to the Amph in the middle of the night. When we got there, we just stood there. Strangely enough, and in the oddly ironic and romantic fashion that I love my life to be in, the rain started to come down. We didn't care. We stood in the rain and held each other until it stopped (the rain that is). I've never felt so connected with someone in one moment than in that moment right there.

Finally, someone that only wants me to be me and nothing more, nothing that I'm not. Someone who knows that I'm not an idea, but a person. Someone who doesn't ask anything of me but to just love her. That's all. Honestly, I don't see how anyone could want more than that.

I'm happy.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Not sure what's up with me lately.
Wait.... yes I do and I think it's a pretty good reason. ^_^
I like to smile.

Start taking the advice that you readily give out to others.
>_<

Hypocrisy at its finest.

P.S.  This came to mind and I'm not quite sure why...
Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me, Baby,
Or leave me.

Hungoverly yours,
Colin

So, when did I become an atheist? O_o Other than that, I'd say it's given a pretty decent account of myself. Long day just continues on.

Psychoanalyze Yourself.
Answer the following questions with the first thought that comes
to mind. Then read which each answer means. (No cheating!)

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. With who?

Allie, because I miss our late night walks.


2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?

A wolf.


3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?

The wolf walks up to me and sits in front of me as it lets me kneel in front of it and I offer my hand which he 'licks' with his nose.


4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you know theres a house whats it look like?

It's log-cabin style. It has a stone chimney and is one story, and perfectly square.


5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

never


6. You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see a table. What's on AND around it?

There is simple, yet beautiful, china on a linen table cloth. On each plate is boiled red potatoes, steak and steamed carrots


7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?

It's a golden goblet, with 4 red gems evenly placed on the sides.


8. What do you do with the cup?

I clean it off and give it to Allison


9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What kind of body of water is it?

It's a small lake.


10. How will you cross the water?

By the boat that is docked on the small wooden dock.

You Will Be a Cool Parent

You seem to naturally know a lot about parenting, and you know what kids need. You can tell when it's time to let kids off the hook, and when it's time to lay down the law. While your parenting is modern and hip, it's not over the top. You know that there's nothing cool about a parent who acts like a teenager... or a drill sergeant!

This job is getting boring and fast.

So, I had my first session with Jeff at the Counseling Center. He seems like a cool guy and he listened to me go on and on and on and on.... basically, he listened to me talk about relationships, shitty situations and the kind of person I think I am for over an hour. He said that it was a good first session, because it helped to "paint a picture" of me. Maybe next time we could possibly talk about my family and how I've been ignoring them over the passed month. *shrugs*

I think I learned a lot through what I was saying though. While I was talking, I was telling him about an entry a friend wrote and how it had affected me. In the middle of that explanation, I realized what the person had actually written and that I had thought one word to be another... and it completely changed the meaning... so now I'm even more confused about that situation than I was before. -_- GAH!

Jeff also helped me to see that I have a right to be hurt and upset by recent activities that are "none of [my] fucking business". Yes, it's not my business, but it still had an effect on me and Jeff helped me to realize that I have the right to be hurt by it, as long as I do not dwell on it. Then again, he also said that my severe emotional investment in what used to be there could justify my inability to "get over it", as some have so lovingly shouted at me.

He says that I seem like a caring and emotional guy, and that being there for other people is what defines me. It's what makes me 'me'. "That's fine," he says. "You only should change for yourself, not because people around you say that you should change. You shouldn't have to drop anyone."

It was strange to see that things from the summer still came back into my mind as though I had just read, experienced, and felt them yesterday. Very strange indeed.

I came out of that session with one thing.... I talk too much.
Hopefully the next session will be more productive.

Sequentially Yours,
Colin